CAA: GA News, "How to keep general aviation a small - and expensive - club"

["Stephen Irwin" <stepheni@cwnet.com>]

Friday, March 17, 2000

Op-Ed
How to keep general aviation a small - and expensive - club
Jane Garvey


Isn’t it annoying how all those other people tend to be out there cluttering
up your traffic pattern on a pretty Saturday? And a pox on the folks who had
the foresight to call up in advance to schedule the airplane so that it’s
not available for your exclusive use whenever the impulse strikes?

Want to know how to get rid of these impediments to Aviation Nirvana? We’ve
got the recipe right here. It’ll take dedication and effort, but if you and
all your friends stick to this plan religiously, in time you’ll have the
pattern all to yourself. Of course, the rental planes won’t be there any
more and the grass might be growing through cracks in the runway. But hey,
everything’s got a downside, right?

The first thing you have to do is make sure nobody else starts flight
training. There are several aspects to this portion of the campaign, and you
must remain vigilant at all times since you never know when you might be
talking to somebody who’s hoping to begin lessons one day. It’s critical to
make sure that in every possible conversation you insert early and often how
dangerous aviation is. Don’t ever point out that a horrible car wreck three
counties over doesn’t make the news, but there’s film at 11 on the local
station if a light plane goes down halfway across the country. Regaling all
and sundry with the hairbreadth escapes you’ve managed over the years —
liberally embellished, of course — is a must. And never, ever mention if it
was something silly and thoroughly avoidable that got you in the bad
position in the first place.

Make sure that no information about the benefits and utility of personal
flying is ever introduced into the conversation. Don’t talk about things
like faster, more comfortable and more convenient business or vacation
trips, organ transport, transport of bank checks, Angel Flight, relief
ferries in disaster or matters of similar ilk. That would make it all sound
just too useful and normal.

If a non-flier actually makes it to the airport despite your best efforts,
for heaven sakes don’t be pleasant, say “Hello,” or ask if you can help them
in any way. Just let them stand around looking lost and uncomfortable.
Eventually they’ll figure out they’re not wanted and will leave — forever.
If they’ve come to the airport just to watch the planes, avoid at all costs
striking up a conversation and asking them about their interest in flying
and never, ever invite them or their child to come see a real airplane up
close. Otherwise, they might get the idea that perfectly ordinary people can
do this wonderful thing.

Never take an interested individual for a ride. After all, he or she might
discover that it’s great fun and provides a delightful perspective on the
world that non-fliers never experience. If you do get cornered into taking
someone up, make sure you pick a hazy, bumpy day so they have nothing
pleasant on which to focus and won’t remember anything except getting
knocked around. Never wait to do the preflight until the passenger arrives
and don’t explain what you’re checking and why. If you did, they might get
the idea this can be a careful and controlled discipline.

Remember, these folks think stalls have something to do with the engine, so
you should never explain about glide characteristics or anything else that
would detract from your Roger RamJet, Fearless Aviator image. Always treat
expressions of fear about flying with a condescending smirk. It would be
highly counterproductive to reassure people that little airplanes do not
rain uncontrolled out of the sky. Explaining the physics of it would make
everything seem more accessible and less like magic and you know where that
could lead.

Once airborne, make frequent and unannounced steep turns, preferably to the
passenger’s side. You’ll know you’re doing well when the passenger leans
abruptly out of the turn, which then gives you to the opportunity to bark at
them. A properly outraged admonition that they’re trying to kill the both of
you is always a nice touch.

A perpetual favorite with the Us-vs-Them crowd is to do unannounced and
unexplained stalls. One variation on the theme is to leave the audible
indicators for instrument approaches on and transmitting in the speakers,
then fly over the marker on purpose. When the rising pitch and frequency is
sufficiently frightening that the passenger actually says something, you
have the choice of acting panicked or responding quizzically, “What noise?”

What about the benighted souls who just can’t take a hint and actually have
the temerity to use your airspace for learning how it’s done? Obviously, you
sprung full grown from the brow of Zeus, never did anything tentative or
made a greenhorn mistake, and you always sound on the radio like a 30-year
747 captain during push time at DCA. Consequently, you should have no mercy
on others. The more tentative the radio communication, the more aggressive
and ruthless you should be. After all, if they don’t already know everything
and don’t do it to your liking, they shouldn’t be here in the first place,
right?

If you see what is obviously a student hanging around the ramp or the FBO,
don’t ask him how it’s going and actually act interested. After all, you’ve
heard Minute-42-of-My-First-Solo-Cross-Country a hundred times, so why
should you be pleasant and receptive to someone discovering the pride and
pleasure for the very first time? If a student or low-timer expresses
reservations about whether they’ll ever get it, or they show anxiety about
flying in general, that’s the time to go for the jugular. The Conspiracy of
Silence about fear is one of the most effective weapons we have for driving
newer folks out of general aviation. Without reassurance that anxiety is
perfectly normal and can be worked through, all that Right Stuff nonsense
will carry the day and they’ll go buy golf clubs, silently and sadly
convinced that they really don’t belong in flying after all.

If every pilot were to follow this plan of action, we can all but guarantee
results. Once you’ve eliminated all the riffraff, you can enjoy at leisure
the placid pattern you wanted all along. Actually, it might be a little too
placid after a while. Without all those pesky students hanging around, the
training FBO will pack up pretty quickly and take their rental planes with
them. But that doesn’t bother you, since you took out a third mortgage and
bought your own. But wait, there goes the maintenance FBO you’ve used for 10
years. I guess they couldn’t make a go of it any more either, what with no
new owners on the field and the rental planes gone. Well, that’s OK. You can
always fly to Big City Aerodrome for maintenance. Oh, and you might as well
fill up while you’re there. It used to be the home field charged a good 20
cents less a gallon, back when it was busy, but no more. Of course, with gas
revenues diminishing markedly now that the students are gone, the whole
place is getting a little tatty around the edges, but that’s no big deal,
right?

As you drive out of the airport, you notice signs nailed up on the trees,
calling an anti-airport meeting of local landowners. “Stupid,” you mutter as
you motor on. “The airport was here first.” And you comfort yourself with
that same ineluctable and totally irrelevant truth, right up to the point
where the bulldozers start pulling up the runway to make room for a shopping
center. As you drive another 30 minutes to the new home field — the one
where you can only get a tiedown, not a hangar — you don’t pause to wonder
whether any of those people you ignored all those years at the fence or in
the FBO could have been turned into knowledgeable advocates for the airport
instead of petitioners for its removal. You don’t reflect over whether
encouraging people to participate in aviation could have resulted in more
and better facilities, not to mention lower prices, for yourself. After all,
the new home base has its own gaggle of students and gawkers, and lesser
mortals you can start in on all over again.

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