"Fly the friendly skies of San Bernardino"

Friday, August 19, 2011

Column
Fly the friendly skies of San Bernardino 
By John Weeks
The San Bernardino (CA) Sun


There has been much debate over the future of San Bernardino International
Airport, which as yet has not reached its full potential as an international
airport, due to a slight by noticeable lack of airplanes with passengers in
them anywhere in the vicinity. 

But this is a mere technicality. The future looks bright for San Bernardino
International, formerly Norton Air Force Base. 

Everyone agrees that one day, when Los Angeles International and Ontario
International reach their capacity, San Bernardino International will be
poised to handle the overflow, and actual passenger jets will take off and
land there. 

Apparently this is a requisite for any international airport that wishes to
be taken seriously. 

But while there is a general consensus that an exciting new era at SBIA is
sure to begin, there is some disagreement over the time frame in which it
will take place. 

Some officials say it won't happen for years, even decades. 

Others believe San Bernardino International may be handling passenger jets
in a year or two or three. 

I offer a third opinion. I say, why wait even that long? Let's start now. I
believe we can get international passenger flights off the ground in just a
few weeks, if we follow my simple, two-step plan: 

1. We get a billion bucks. 

2. We start our own airline. 

There, you see how easy it is? And you can expect to see a lot more of this
kind of practical, no-nonsense problem solving when I become Emperor of the
Inland Empire. 

OK, let's talk details. San Bernardino Airlines, based exclusively at San
Bernardino International Airport, will be different from other carriers. It
will be better. 

We'll start small, with a modest fleet of approximately one airplane. But
what an airplane it will be! We'll spend millions retrofitting it to become
the most luxurious aircraft in the skies. 

We'll rip out the old, cramped seating and replace it with comfortably
spaced rows of reclining loungers with massage features. 

Deep-pile carpeting on the floor will reduce noise and increase passenger
comfort. In fact, passengers will be encouraged to take off their shoes and
wear the silk slippers that will be provided. 

Above each seat, ambient lighting will soothe tired eyes, and individual air
vents will dispense refreshing puffs of purified and ionically charged air.
Aromatherapy options will be available. 

Spacious bathrooms on the aircraft will include showers and spa facilities.
All toiletries and amenities, including shampoos, toothpastes, deodorants
and lotions, will be provided free by the airline, so no one will feel
inconvenienced by restrictions on carry-on liquids or gels. 

San Bernardino's finest restaurants, working on a rotation basis, will
provide in-flight meals of the highest quality. A strolling mariachi band
will entertain. 

Between meals, magicians and jugglers will roam the aisles, providing a
happy diversion for kids. And for adults, the aircraft will include a
full-service casino operated by the San Manuel Band of Mission Indians. In
addition to glittery gaming rooms, there will be a lounge where legendary
stars like Willie Nelson and Cher will perform live onstage. 

In the beginning, San Bernardino Airlines will have a limited flight
schedule. Heck, each flight will be so much fun, we probably can take off in
San Bernardino, fly around for awhile, then land in San Bernardino again,
and everyone will feel like they have received their money's worth. 

Soon though, San Bernardino Airlines also will fly to a limited number of
destination cities, including San Francisco, Las Vegas and Ensenada. Fun
places. And please note that Ensenada is located in Mexico, which means our
airline will be ... yes, let's say it together ... international! 

In time, as the airline grows, it will add new planes to its fleet, and new
cities to its schedule. 

And the airline will grow. Oh, yes, San Bernardino Airlines quickly will
gain a reputation as the most fun carrier in the business. We'll be able to
charge top dollar, and we'll be able to tally major profits. 

In no time at all, San Bernardino Airlines will be filling the whole skies
with planes, and San Bernardino International Airport will be busy with more
international air traffic than it can handle. 

Maybe Los Angeles and Ontario can help with the overflow. 

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