"Bings and bongs from airport hell"

Sunday, August 3, 2003

Opinion
Bings and bongs from airport hell
By Oliver Pritchett
United Kingdom - The London Sunday Telegraph


It is good to know that things have now returned to normal at Heathrow
airport:

"Bing-bong. Would passengers for the delayed Flight 866 to Dubrovnik now go
and stand under the Departures screen and stare at it very hard and see if
that makes any difference? Thank you."

"Bing-bong. Passenger Wilkinson, travelling to Dusseldorf, please proceed to
Gate 14 where your flight is now boarding."

"Your attention please. My colleague Stephanie is about to have a brave try
at speaking Spanish as she announces the cancellation of Flight 443 to
Malaga. We do ask you, at this time, not to smirk."

"This is a special announcement for passengers at Gate 73 waiting to board
the flight to Athens. A rumour is spreading round your area that the
aircraft's destination is actually Dublin. Please observe the No Smoking
sign, look about anxiously, fidget and await further announcements."

"This is a final call for passenger Wilkinson, travelling to Dusseldorf.
Would passenger Wilkinson, travelling to Dusseldorf, please make his way
briskly to Gate 14 where his flight has finished boarding."

"If there is a Diane in the terminal building, travelling to Tenerife and
expecting to meet Sophie, Trixie, Mandy, Sue, Big Liz, Little Liz, Angie,
Wendy, Sandra, Beth and Spud just outside Tie Rack, she is asked to proceed
immediately to Gatwick where she was supposed to be an hour and a half ago.
Would she kindly note that Wendy says she will never, ever speak to her
again in her whole life."

"Passengers are reminded that if they move more than five feet away from
their baggage, that's what we call 'unattended'.'

"Those awaiting news of their flight to Dubrovnik and still staring at the
Departures screen will notice that the flight to Milan keeps flashing
'Boarding' even though it took off seven hours ago. This is due to
operational difficulties."

"Please stand by as my colleague Stephanie is about to say something in
French - which is even worse than her Spanish."

"This is a final, final call for Mr Wilkinson, travelling to Dusseldorf. Mr
Wilkinson is requested to proceed at once to Gate 14 where his fellow
passengers have already boarded the aircraft and are sighing pointedly."

"Here is a special announcement for those awaiting the delayed Flight 202 to
Rome: please continue not to go to the toilets as this is bound to be the
exact moment when an important announcement about your flight will be
drowned out by the roar of the hand-drier."

"Bing-bong. Passengers at Gate 73 wondering whether the aircraft is going to
Athens or to Dublin may wish to look around and see if there are any nuns in
the vicinity. This is often a useful clue."

"Passenger Wilkinson, travelling to Dusseldorf: you are dead meat."

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. At this time we would like to invite
passengers awaiting the delayed flight to Cannes to avail themselves of a
voucher entitling them to a complimentary cheese sandwich and a coffee in
the hope that this will go some way to compensating them for the awfulness
of my colleague Stephanie's French accent."

"Lady in navy blue slacks and white blouse: take one more step away from
your baggage and our staff will swoop, take it a long way away and blow it
up."

"If there is a nun in the area would she kindly proceed to Gate 73 where
some passengers hoping to travel to Athens need comforting after Stephanie
addressed them in halting Italian."

"Bing-bong. Here is a special announcement for Sophie, Trixie, Mandy, Sue,
Big Liz, Little Liz, Angie, Wendy, Sandra, Beth and Spud, recently arrived
from Gatwick and looking for Diane. We have just received information that
Diane has departed with passenger Wilkinson on the delayed flight to
Dusseldorf."


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